Timshel!

"But the Hebrew word, the word timshel—‘Thou mayest’— that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if ‘Thou mayest’—it is also true that ‘Thou mayest not.’

Now, there are many millions in their sects and churches who feel the order, ‘Do thou,’ and throw their weight into obedience. And there are millions more who feel predestination in ‘Thou shalt.’ Nothing they may do can interfere with what will be. But ‘Thou mayest’! Why, that makes a man great, that gives him stature with the gods."

It is easy out of laziness, out of weakness, to throw oneself into the lap of deity, saying, ‘I couldn’t help it; the way was set.’ But think of the glory of the choice! That makes a man a man. A cat has no choice, a bee must make honey."

John Steinbeck - East of Eden


Thou Mayest! With these words I'm trying to begin a new period of my life. With a new roommate moving in this afternoon, less than a month before my 30th birthday, just a few weeks shy of living in Roma for two years and at the end of a nearly 7 year old relationship. I have to keep those words with me.

This month has been a struggle. You've read the previous posts. I have these moments of blinding hatred followed by absolute clarity and confidence that can and do happen at any and all times of the day. It's making me crazy. Practically everyday, I see old friends and they, without hesitation, ask about Allie. How she's doing, where she is, etc. Most people still don't know our situation. Then I have to make the choice between lying to an acquaintance or just telling them the truth and once again opening the wound. Either way I lose. I'm tired of pouring salt into my wounds.

Allie is moving out as soon as she returns home from Bologna tomorrow or the next day, I'm not sure when she'll be back. She's been on holiday the entire month of June while I've sat in a room full of our memories and the things that made up the life we once shared. But I'm trying hard not to dwell on them, they will soon be gone and so will she.

The possibilities are here for me. Steinbeck is right, it's all on me to make not only glorious choices but glorious things happen. And if Steinbeck is correct then the way is open before me and I have only to make the necessary effort to find it.