Between Love and Hate

I had planned on eating some grilled chicken breast for lunch today but to no avail. The chicken had gone turned on me so I had to throw it out or risk a bout of food poisoning. So I had to settle for my comfort food of choice (pbj) which was fine but not what I had really planned on eating.

That was like the fifth time that's happened not only with chicken but also with a lot of other fruit and veg in the last month. This is something that I never let happen before. So as I was eating my sandwich I started thinking about the problem. Why is it that I keep letting things go bad without noticing? At what point did the chicken turn? Why didn't I notice the smell? Why didn't I cook it sooner? Seems to be a fitting metaphor for my life right now. Hell, throw out the chicken, throw out the marriage.

Yesterday, we signed the divorce papers.

I have to admit that I reacted poorly. Allie responded accordingly to my reaction. We said words to each other that we had never uttered in the last seven years. What I said didn't help me feel better in the least, quite the opposite really. I know why I'm saying these unfounded and mean things to Allie and I wish I wasn't but I can't help myself. No, that's a lie. I could have helped myself, I just want her to hurt as badly as I do. I'm burning that bridge until there is nothing left but ash (side note, it's probably next to impossible to find an actual bridge that will burn nowadays, maybe we should start saying "blow up"). The bridge is blown up. The bridge is burnt. Regardless of choice of prose or construction materials, be it wood, concrete or steel, the bridge is no longer in service.

Exit Scene - Take 1
*Cue the sad music, courtesy of Dashboard Confessional*
And...action!

I watched her pack up the last of her things and leave. She walked out the door to the elevator. Now, in a film or on tv, the elevator would have opened up right away and whisked her out of my life, easy-peasy. But this is an old building with an old elevator in a country that seems at times to be just barely out of or slipping back into third-world status, so it took a few minutes for it to arrive. During this time, I couldn't help but stand at the door and watch her leave me. She asked why I was standing and watching. I replied that I didn't know. And I still don't know. If I were to venture a guess, I would say that I wanted to make sure this was really happening to us.