"But the Hebrew word, the word timshel—‘Thou mayest’— that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if ‘Thou mayest’—it is also true that ‘Thou mayest not.’
Now, there are many millions in their sects and churches who feel the order, ‘Do thou,’ and throw their weight into obedience. And there are millions more who feel predestination in ‘Thou shalt.’ Nothing they may do can interfere with what will be. But ‘Thou mayest’! Why, that makes a man great, that gives him stature with the gods."
It is easy out of laziness, out of weakness, to throw oneself into the lap of deity, saying, ‘I couldn’t help it; the way was set.’ But think of the glory of the choice! That makes a man a man. A cat has no choice, a bee must make honey."
John Steinbeck - East of Eden
Thou Mayest! With these words I'm trying to begin a new period of my life. With a new roommate moving in this afternoon, less than a month before my 30th birthday, just a few weeks shy of living in Roma for two years and at the end of a nearly 7 year old relationship. I have to keep those words with me.
This month has been a struggle. You've read the previous posts. I have these moments of blinding hatred followed by absolute clarity and confidence that can and do happen at any and all times of the day. It's making me crazy. Practically everyday, I see old friends and they, without hesitation, ask about Allie. How she's doing, where she is, etc. Most people still don't know our situation. Then I have to make the choice between lying to an acquaintance or just telling them the truth and once again opening the wound. Either way I lose. I'm tired of pouring salt into my wounds.
Allie is moving out as soon as she returns home from Bologna tomorrow or the next day, I'm not sure when she'll be back. She's been on holiday the entire month of June while I've sat in a room full of our memories and the things that made up the life we once shared. But I'm trying hard not to dwell on them, they will soon be gone and so will she.
The possibilities are here for me. Steinbeck is right, it's all on me to make not only glorious choices but glorious things happen. And if Steinbeck is correct then the way is open before me and I have only to make the necessary effort to find it.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
In this newly found single life that I’m leading, I’ve noticed that I have a lot of things going on. Suddenly, I’m a man about town. Or something like that. One of my students offered to buy me dinner last Friday evening, needless to say, I accepted without hesitation. Once we met up we decided to have sushi at a place near his house. It was one of those conveyor belt type places which is something of an oddity here in Rome but old-hat for Americans. Anyway, dinner was good, not the best sushi ever but good, nevertheless. We had been speaking in sort of a pigeon, half-English half-Italian, language all evening.
After dinner, the server asked if we wanted a coffee, I said yes (in Italian, of course). Then he started clowning me to Federico by asking him if I really wanted a cappuccino or an American coffee. Now, a little background. In Italy, a cappuccino after morning is a no-no and to have one after a Japanese dinner is utterly inexplicable to Italians. He knew I was a foreigner so he was just bustin’ chops by making the cappuccino comment. Without even thinking, I said “vaffanculo!” which translates to “fuck off!” Then I proceeded to tell him, in Italian, I didn’t want a cappuccino, a caffe Americano, or anything but an espresso! Needless to say, the server (a mountain of a man, to say the least) and Federico were shocked. Then I realized that I had said something I really shouldn’t have said, I immediately apologized to him. They throw that term around here in Rome like it's nothing but it is really something friends say to friends at the bar, not foreigners to Italians in restaurants.
A few minutes later he brought the coffee out…he walked up to the table with the plate and cup in his hand. What I couldn’t see was that he had put the spoon through the handle of an empty cup. Then he pretended to stumble towards me and dump the coffee into my lap. The cup was empty and because the spoon was threaded through the handle and in his hand nothing spilled or fell on me. I screamed like a little girl and I have to admit I had quite a scare. I really thought I was about to have hot coffee dumped onto my lap. Federico said my face was priceless, and I don’t doubt that. After we all had a good laugh about it and I apologized even more before we left.
The server taught me a very valuable lesson, one that Hemingway had tried to warn me about in For Whom the Bell Tolls or A Farewell to Arms, I'm having trouble remember which it's from right now: One should only curse in one’s native tongue.
After dinner, the server asked if we wanted a coffee, I said yes (in Italian, of course). Then he started clowning me to Federico by asking him if I really wanted a cappuccino or an American coffee. Now, a little background. In Italy, a cappuccino after morning is a no-no and to have one after a Japanese dinner is utterly inexplicable to Italians. He knew I was a foreigner so he was just bustin’ chops by making the cappuccino comment. Without even thinking, I said “vaffanculo!” which translates to “fuck off!” Then I proceeded to tell him, in Italian, I didn’t want a cappuccino, a caffe Americano, or anything but an espresso! Needless to say, the server (a mountain of a man, to say the least) and Federico were shocked. Then I realized that I had said something I really shouldn’t have said, I immediately apologized to him. They throw that term around here in Rome like it's nothing but it is really something friends say to friends at the bar, not foreigners to Italians in restaurants.
A few minutes later he brought the coffee out…he walked up to the table with the plate and cup in his hand. What I couldn’t see was that he had put the spoon through the handle of an empty cup. Then he pretended to stumble towards me and dump the coffee into my lap. The cup was empty and because the spoon was threaded through the handle and in his hand nothing spilled or fell on me. I screamed like a little girl and I have to admit I had quite a scare. I really thought I was about to have hot coffee dumped onto my lap. Federico said my face was priceless, and I don’t doubt that. After we all had a good laugh about it and I apologized even more before we left.
The server taught me a very valuable lesson, one that Hemingway had tried to warn me about in For Whom the Bell Tolls or A Farewell to Arms, I'm having trouble remember which it's from right now: One should only curse in one’s native tongue.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Man Overboard!
"He calls desparingly, gazing in anguish after the receding sail as, ghostlike, fades from view. A short time ago he was on board, a member of the crew busy on deck with the rest, a living being with his share of air and sunlight. What has become of him now? He slipped and fell, and this is the end."
Victor Hugo - Les Miserables
Don't worry, I'm not jumping off any ships. I use that paragraph, not for telling you all that I'm a man overboard but, actually quite the opposite. I feel like I've been saved by my family and friends. This situation could have broken me but instead it's made me remember what kind of person I am. It's really easy to tell what kind of person you are when you take a look at your family and friends. I've been overwhelmed with all of the support I've received. People are coming out of the woodworks for me and it's a great feeling. For this, I'm truly grateful.
In other news, Allie has returned from her vacation and is back at the apartment for the next week. She will be out of the apartment by the end of the month. Things are strange, of course, but I will try my best to be amicable. After that, I don't know what will become of her. I'm trying not to concern myself, though it's really, really hard. She's not telling and I'm not asking.
At this point, I'm going to make an honest attempt to keep her name out of my mouth, for better or worse in an attempt to keep myself from slipping and falling.
Victor Hugo - Les Miserables
Don't worry, I'm not jumping off any ships. I use that paragraph, not for telling you all that I'm a man overboard but, actually quite the opposite. I feel like I've been saved by my family and friends. This situation could have broken me but instead it's made me remember what kind of person I am. It's really easy to tell what kind of person you are when you take a look at your family and friends. I've been overwhelmed with all of the support I've received. People are coming out of the woodworks for me and it's a great feeling. For this, I'm truly grateful.
In other news, Allie has returned from her vacation and is back at the apartment for the next week. She will be out of the apartment by the end of the month. Things are strange, of course, but I will try my best to be amicable. After that, I don't know what will become of her. I'm trying not to concern myself, though it's really, really hard. She's not telling and I'm not asking.
At this point, I'm going to make an honest attempt to keep her name out of my mouth, for better or worse in an attempt to keep myself from slipping and falling.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Later That Day...
"Every line is about,
Who I don't want to write about anymore." Jesse Lacey
The following was written the day after my breakdown that occurred between Saturday evening and Sunday morning, June 8th.
So, as I start my second watch* on Via Gallia, I wonder what I'm going to see or even accomplish by doing this. I would rather see it with my own eyes than have to believe Allie at this point. A year ago, I would have laughed at the thought of me doing this or this whole situation. "Not possible," I would have said. Well, now I'm literally standing on the sidewalk waiting for them to pull up. It's a cold and ugly day here in Rome, kind of like how I feel inside me. This type of behavior will definitely not win her back but that's not what I want anyway. This sucks, staring at every car that pulls up, just wanting to really be crushed once and for all. What exactly am I hoping for? Man, this sucks. I feel so bad, so sick inside over all of this.
* They were supposed to arrive earlier but there was traffic on the GRA (the ring around Rome) so they arrived later than she had originally told me. She was polite enough to call though, I might have stood outside for two hours in the cold if she hadn't called to tell me.
Who I don't want to write about anymore." Jesse Lacey
The following was written the day after my breakdown that occurred between Saturday evening and Sunday morning, June 8th.
So, as I start my second watch* on Via Gallia, I wonder what I'm going to see or even accomplish by doing this. I would rather see it with my own eyes than have to believe Allie at this point. A year ago, I would have laughed at the thought of me doing this or this whole situation. "Not possible," I would have said. Well, now I'm literally standing on the sidewalk waiting for them to pull up. It's a cold and ugly day here in Rome, kind of like how I feel inside me. This type of behavior will definitely not win her back but that's not what I want anyway. This sucks, staring at every car that pulls up, just wanting to really be crushed once and for all. What exactly am I hoping for? Man, this sucks. I feel so bad, so sick inside over all of this.
* They were supposed to arrive earlier but there was traffic on the GRA (the ring around Rome) so they arrived later than she had originally told me. She was polite enough to call though, I might have stood outside for two hours in the cold if she hadn't called to tell me.
Monday, June 16, 2008
My Breakdown
"We do not claim that the portrait we are making is the whole truth, only that it is a resemblance." Victor Hugo
After three weeks of avoiding each other while being in the same apartment, I was ready to finally get the cards on the table. Allie was supposed to come home Friday afternoon (June 6th), she had normally been arriving home at about 3p.m. It wasn't until 5p.m. that I got a text message saying that she was staying for the weekend so she could go to the local festival they were having. My heart sank.
I figured she was staying there so she could stay with her "crush" for one last weekend because she was finished with her course in Loreto and would no longer get to be with him during the week. But naturally, she didn't say that's what she was doing, so I hoped for the best. I figured she might be staying with Jules and another one of our friends, Dallas. On Saturday afternoon, I saw Dallas, my heart sank again. Then later in the evening I saw Jules at the Abbey, it was like a stab through my heart. At this point, the truth was all too obvious. I decided to leave the pub soon after I saw Jules.
Now here's where it gets a little embarrassing for me but I'll try to give the whole story. I walked out in a complete daze, not from alcohol though. I walked home, hoping to cool off and get rid of that jittery, sick feeling that was running through me. After the forty-five minute walk, I was really sick to my stomach. I tried to find sleep, but I couldn't stop thinking about what she was doing to me.
Unfortunately, I called her for the first time at 2a.m., no answer. Tried again. Tried again. She always answers her phone when I call. Then I called her at 3a.m., no answer. Tried again. Tried again. Then I took some Nyquil, read, watched some television, hoping that something would help, but to no avail. I called her at 4a.m. Finally, I went to sleep for about an hour because I was so exhausted and worked up. I woke up and I called her again. Anyway, you see what was happening. This pattern of sleep an hour, call Allie, sleep an hour, call Allie, continued up until like 9 in the morning. I probably called her fifteen times. I'm not proud of myself for losing control. For one of the first times in my life, I wasn't thinking rationally.
After three weeks of avoiding each other while being in the same apartment, I was ready to finally get the cards on the table. Allie was supposed to come home Friday afternoon (June 6th), she had normally been arriving home at about 3p.m. It wasn't until 5p.m. that I got a text message saying that she was staying for the weekend so she could go to the local festival they were having. My heart sank.
I figured she was staying there so she could stay with her "crush" for one last weekend because she was finished with her course in Loreto and would no longer get to be with him during the week. But naturally, she didn't say that's what she was doing, so I hoped for the best. I figured she might be staying with Jules and another one of our friends, Dallas. On Saturday afternoon, I saw Dallas, my heart sank again. Then later in the evening I saw Jules at the Abbey, it was like a stab through my heart. At this point, the truth was all too obvious. I decided to leave the pub soon after I saw Jules.
Now here's where it gets a little embarrassing for me but I'll try to give the whole story. I walked out in a complete daze, not from alcohol though. I walked home, hoping to cool off and get rid of that jittery, sick feeling that was running through me. After the forty-five minute walk, I was really sick to my stomach. I tried to find sleep, but I couldn't stop thinking about what she was doing to me.
Unfortunately, I called her for the first time at 2a.m., no answer. Tried again. Tried again. She always answers her phone when I call. Then I called her at 3a.m., no answer. Tried again. Tried again. Then I took some Nyquil, read, watched some television, hoping that something would help, but to no avail. I called her at 4a.m. Finally, I went to sleep for about an hour because I was so exhausted and worked up. I woke up and I called her again. Anyway, you see what was happening. This pattern of sleep an hour, call Allie, sleep an hour, call Allie, continued up until like 9 in the morning. I probably called her fifteen times. I'm not proud of myself for losing control. For one of the first times in my life, I wasn't thinking rationally.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Not to Change the Subject But...
Please, don't worry about me too much, though I do love the support. I'm really having a nice/normal day today. I haven't had too many flashes of red and or evil thoughts about Allie. As you all know, my favorite place is Rome isn't the Coloseo, the Trevi Fountain, or the Pantheon (though I love that one), it's my neighborhood market.
Sounds stupid but I love to cook and I love to try new things. I've been going to our neighborhood market every Saturday for the past year and my face is pretty well-known to some of the vendors there. With all of this stuff going on for the last month I hadn't been going to the market and in fact hadn't been eating very well at all. My standard fruit after the meal thing went out the window because the fruit at the supermarket is "schifo" or nasty and is just a waste of money when I can get great produce from my guy. I kind of stopped cooking for the most part and was just eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (my comfort food of choice). It felt great to see their smiling faces and be welcomed back when I walked up to their stalls.
I had really lost the joy of cooking during all of this. I would think about Allie making some dish that I taught her for her next boyfriends and how much joy my cooking would bring them and I would get really pissed off. Not only would the guy have my wife but also my cooking! A wandering mind is a terrible thing! Actually, the funny thing about that is that I was imagining Allie cooking! I know, that probably sounds a bit psychotic and I kind of agree, but this is how my mind is working nowadays. But I digress.
Today, I went to the market for the first time in about a month. Sometime in the last four weeks the season had changed! Gone were the apples and oranges. First, I saw a few true signs of summer in Rome...white peaches and watermelons! But they were at a different stand than mine so I decided to wait. It made me excited to see what was going to be available for me at my stand. They had a giant pile of cherries! Huge, Dark as the night cherries! I'm pretty skeptical about cherries unless I'm buying them from an orchard in Yakima or from a Mexican in a white van on the side of the road in Federal Way. But I couldn't resist and I bought a little over a pound. Not Yakima quality, of course, but pretty damn good.
It felt great to get back to what was such a normal routine thing for so long. Now I'll be cooking for one but that doesn't mean I can't eat well!
Sounds stupid but I love to cook and I love to try new things. I've been going to our neighborhood market every Saturday for the past year and my face is pretty well-known to some of the vendors there. With all of this stuff going on for the last month I hadn't been going to the market and in fact hadn't been eating very well at all. My standard fruit after the meal thing went out the window because the fruit at the supermarket is "schifo" or nasty and is just a waste of money when I can get great produce from my guy. I kind of stopped cooking for the most part and was just eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (my comfort food of choice). It felt great to see their smiling faces and be welcomed back when I walked up to their stalls.
I had really lost the joy of cooking during all of this. I would think about Allie making some dish that I taught her for her next boyfriends and how much joy my cooking would bring them and I would get really pissed off. Not only would the guy have my wife but also my cooking! A wandering mind is a terrible thing! Actually, the funny thing about that is that I was imagining Allie cooking! I know, that probably sounds a bit psychotic and I kind of agree, but this is how my mind is working nowadays. But I digress.
Today, I went to the market for the first time in about a month. Sometime in the last four weeks the season had changed! Gone were the apples and oranges. First, I saw a few true signs of summer in Rome...white peaches and watermelons! But they were at a different stand than mine so I decided to wait. It made me excited to see what was going to be available for me at my stand. They had a giant pile of cherries! Huge, Dark as the night cherries! I'm pretty skeptical about cherries unless I'm buying them from an orchard in Yakima or from a Mexican in a white van on the side of the road in Federal Way. But I couldn't resist and I bought a little over a pound. Not Yakima quality, of course, but pretty damn good.
It felt great to get back to what was such a normal routine thing for so long. Now I'll be cooking for one but that doesn't mean I can't eat well!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Things Fall Apart, Part 2
Happier Days?You may rightfully ask yourself, why didn’t he fight for her? I admit, I didn’t fight for her. She has knowingly done this to me for almost a year and I knew that I would never recover mentally if I tried to convince her to stay with me. I also knew that I would become more and more paranoid and make meaner and meaner comments to her (something I'm already doing) that would eventually drive her away anyway. For me, even if she hadn’t physically cheated on me at this point I knew it would happen eventually because she no longer cared about “We” in the way I did.
I told her when everything happened last year that I wanted her 100% and no less because I loved her 100%. Well, when she told me that she wanted to split from me she said she was 60% sure. A far cry from the 100% that I wanted and deserved. I knew that she had made up her mind long ago and I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me. It’s hard to believe that at the same time she was writing such sweet things about me on our blog that she was thinking about divorcing me but if you check the timeline it’s true.
She was a ghost the entire time in Florence, her mind was on divorcing me and spending more time with her crush but when you read that entry it’s crazy to think that a week later that person would ask for a divorce. I loved Allie because she was so logical and rational among all of the other great qualities, and above all, she was always the same person. Anyone who thinks love isn’t rational is wrong. Look at the person you are in love with and ask yourself if they represent the highest of your values. She did. They have to be a direct reflection of your highest values or else you’re simply evading reality (borrowing heavily from my favorite author) and that can only end badly. Allie had always been that way for me. My values haven’t changed so whose did?
Over the last year and especially the last few months she became like a stranger to me. I thought it was because living and working abroad for two years will change a person but I think it has to be more than that. She has become obsessed with her body image among other things. She told me that she has a lot of negative thoughts about herself and that she doesn’t know what she’s doing anymore. Pretty scary, I tried to support her for so long about these things but nothing I did or said seemed to help. No matter how many times I told her she looked more beautiful than ever or that she had lost a lot of weight her response was always that she felt “gross” or that she had just gained four pounds over the week even though she hadn’t stepped on a scale for months and months.
My praise and support wasn’t enough and she has really been feeding off of all of the attention she has been receiving from her male students. She told me that she had never received so much attention before and that it felt really good. I suppose it is kind of like a drug for a girl or even a guy to hear how beautiful they are from the opposite sex. It turned out to be a drug that I couldn’t compete with.
I told her when everything happened last year that I wanted her 100% and no less because I loved her 100%. Well, when she told me that she wanted to split from me she said she was 60% sure. A far cry from the 100% that I wanted and deserved. I knew that she had made up her mind long ago and I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me. It’s hard to believe that at the same time she was writing such sweet things about me on our blog that she was thinking about divorcing me but if you check the timeline it’s true.
She was a ghost the entire time in Florence, her mind was on divorcing me and spending more time with her crush but when you read that entry it’s crazy to think that a week later that person would ask for a divorce. I loved Allie because she was so logical and rational among all of the other great qualities, and above all, she was always the same person. Anyone who thinks love isn’t rational is wrong. Look at the person you are in love with and ask yourself if they represent the highest of your values. She did. They have to be a direct reflection of your highest values or else you’re simply evading reality (borrowing heavily from my favorite author) and that can only end badly. Allie had always been that way for me. My values haven’t changed so whose did?
Over the last year and especially the last few months she became like a stranger to me. I thought it was because living and working abroad for two years will change a person but I think it has to be more than that. She has become obsessed with her body image among other things. She told me that she has a lot of negative thoughts about herself and that she doesn’t know what she’s doing anymore. Pretty scary, I tried to support her for so long about these things but nothing I did or said seemed to help. No matter how many times I told her she looked more beautiful than ever or that she had lost a lot of weight her response was always that she felt “gross” or that she had just gained four pounds over the week even though she hadn’t stepped on a scale for months and months.
My praise and support wasn’t enough and she has really been feeding off of all of the attention she has been receiving from her male students. She told me that she had never received so much attention before and that it felt really good. I suppose it is kind of like a drug for a girl or even a guy to hear how beautiful they are from the opposite sex. It turned out to be a drug that I couldn’t compete with.
Real Homies, Down since I picked him up from Pier 77
Things Fall Apart, Part 1
Well, I suppose it’s time to tell you all what’s been happening over the last month or so. Allie told me that she wanted a divorce back on May 24th and at the same moment she told me not to tell anyone for some reason. Needless to say, I was shocked but not completely.
Our problems started last summer, I found a very graphic “story” that she had written about a friend of ours that she had a huge crush on. Of course, reading the “story” crushed me in so many ways. I immediately confronted her about it and she explained it was only a story and that she had embellished what she had written for the sake of storytelling. I flew off the handle and blamed the guy and refused to speak with him again. Unfortunately, I chose the wrong person to be angry with but how could I not take my Allie’s side? He was completely innocent to Allie’s crush and was/is just a genuinely nice guy, albeit, quite handsome. And in reality and to be fair to Allie, nothing happened between the two of them. It was the first time in our relationship that I had some major doubts about Allie’s honesty, integrity and her love.
Allie and I worked it out and I forgave her because it really wasn’t anything but some words (pretty graphic and gut-wrenching to read) and a little crush but it was impossible to forget what she had done. I have to admit I became some what paranoid after that happened. I tried many times to get her to make friends with some girls so she could have fun while I worked for us at the pub in the evening. She wouldn’t do it. She is pretty antisocial and has become more so over the last year and she is especially antisocial with other girls, and that's according to her. In the meantime, she was getting more and more friendly with her students at the Air Force, she was constantly getting text messages from her students at all hours of the night and became very secretive about it. I decided not to yell at her and not to tell her to stop it because I thought by me giving her my trust she would do me no wrong.
Unfortunately, it did bother me a lot, so I went the passive aggressive and truly wrong route and would make comments such as “which one of your boyfriend’s is texting you now?” and the like. She had a married student texting her with elicit messages that were “jokes” but I didn’t find them funny and she knew it. But I tried not to let it bother me. She didn't get mad when she went out to dinner with another one of her married students that she knew liked her and had actually told her that he liked her. Funny thing is that he was supposedly a really nice guy that did everything for his wife and then she cheated on him! Sound familiar? I thought the guy was a real A-hole for hitting on Allie but I suppose she flirted back with him just like the rest of the guys. I let this behavior happen because I felt so bad that I wasn’t at home with her but I was at the pub earning money for US. I let her go for a motorcycle ride with yet another student we met in Loreto after we had returned to Rome. I let it happen because I trusted her. All the while, she knew it was bothering me but she did nothing to change her behavior.
When I finally decided to quit the pub because I had enough hours at the school she was heading off to Loreto. She found a guy that she was attracted to and he was attracted to her. She actually told me about this crush, well sort of. She said “there is this guy Jules likes but I think he likes me” That was all. I didn’t say anything because how can you not be attracted to Allie. She’s beautiful, funny, smart, seemingly everything that is great in a person. Soon after things really started to deteriorate between us.
Then during the weekends when she said she would come back and spend time with me she actually came back grouchy, tired and nothing to do with me even though I wasn’t working at all, she would stay in bed and say she was so tired from working all week. And when she did come home, all she did was send text messages to mysterious people and let me feed her. I practically had to beg her to meet me, Diego, and Jillian in Florence. In fact, she was too tired to come back Friday so she stayed until Saturday morning. Turns out she wasn’t too tired to go to the disco into the wee hours with her crush. So when she met us she was a ghost The next weekend, on Friday night at about 11pm after we ate dinner with Diego, Jillian and our Scottish friend, Alistair, she got a phone call and immediately left our group and went and had a secret conversation on the phone. I noticed it but I chose not to notice it. The next day she told me she wanted out. She didn’t say the actual word “divorce” because she is so passive aggressive she made me say it for her. Thereby, relieving her of the burden. I suppose it was only right because I’ve done everything possible for her for the last 6 plus years, always putting myself second to her.
I have much more to write but I just wanted to get it rolling for now.
*This may appear a one-sided account of the story and that is true it has been written by a fairly bitter man. I tried to be as polite as possible though I’m not sure why anymore. She will no longer be writing on this blog and as of this moment she is with the family of her “crush” for the next ten days to practice her Italian, so forgive me for being a little hostile. Though, it's probably for the best because I've been mean to her a lot this week.
Our problems started last summer, I found a very graphic “story” that she had written about a friend of ours that she had a huge crush on. Of course, reading the “story” crushed me in so many ways. I immediately confronted her about it and she explained it was only a story and that she had embellished what she had written for the sake of storytelling. I flew off the handle and blamed the guy and refused to speak with him again. Unfortunately, I chose the wrong person to be angry with but how could I not take my Allie’s side? He was completely innocent to Allie’s crush and was/is just a genuinely nice guy, albeit, quite handsome. And in reality and to be fair to Allie, nothing happened between the two of them. It was the first time in our relationship that I had some major doubts about Allie’s honesty, integrity and her love.
Allie and I worked it out and I forgave her because it really wasn’t anything but some words (pretty graphic and gut-wrenching to read) and a little crush but it was impossible to forget what she had done. I have to admit I became some what paranoid after that happened. I tried many times to get her to make friends with some girls so she could have fun while I worked for us at the pub in the evening. She wouldn’t do it. She is pretty antisocial and has become more so over the last year and she is especially antisocial with other girls, and that's according to her. In the meantime, she was getting more and more friendly with her students at the Air Force, she was constantly getting text messages from her students at all hours of the night and became very secretive about it. I decided not to yell at her and not to tell her to stop it because I thought by me giving her my trust she would do me no wrong.
Unfortunately, it did bother me a lot, so I went the passive aggressive and truly wrong route and would make comments such as “which one of your boyfriend’s is texting you now?” and the like. She had a married student texting her with elicit messages that were “jokes” but I didn’t find them funny and she knew it. But I tried not to let it bother me. She didn't get mad when she went out to dinner with another one of her married students that she knew liked her and had actually told her that he liked her. Funny thing is that he was supposedly a really nice guy that did everything for his wife and then she cheated on him! Sound familiar? I thought the guy was a real A-hole for hitting on Allie but I suppose she flirted back with him just like the rest of the guys. I let this behavior happen because I felt so bad that I wasn’t at home with her but I was at the pub earning money for US. I let her go for a motorcycle ride with yet another student we met in Loreto after we had returned to Rome. I let it happen because I trusted her. All the while, she knew it was bothering me but she did nothing to change her behavior.
When I finally decided to quit the pub because I had enough hours at the school she was heading off to Loreto. She found a guy that she was attracted to and he was attracted to her. She actually told me about this crush, well sort of. She said “there is this guy Jules likes but I think he likes me” That was all. I didn’t say anything because how can you not be attracted to Allie. She’s beautiful, funny, smart, seemingly everything that is great in a person. Soon after things really started to deteriorate between us.
Then during the weekends when she said she would come back and spend time with me she actually came back grouchy, tired and nothing to do with me even though I wasn’t working at all, she would stay in bed and say she was so tired from working all week. And when she did come home, all she did was send text messages to mysterious people and let me feed her. I practically had to beg her to meet me, Diego, and Jillian in Florence. In fact, she was too tired to come back Friday so she stayed until Saturday morning. Turns out she wasn’t too tired to go to the disco into the wee hours with her crush. So when she met us she was a ghost The next weekend, on Friday night at about 11pm after we ate dinner with Diego, Jillian and our Scottish friend, Alistair, she got a phone call and immediately left our group and went and had a secret conversation on the phone. I noticed it but I chose not to notice it. The next day she told me she wanted out. She didn’t say the actual word “divorce” because she is so passive aggressive she made me say it for her. Thereby, relieving her of the burden. I suppose it was only right because I’ve done everything possible for her for the last 6 plus years, always putting myself second to her.
I have much more to write but I just wanted to get it rolling for now.
*This may appear a one-sided account of the story and that is true it has been written by a fairly bitter man. I tried to be as polite as possible though I’m not sure why anymore. She will no longer be writing on this blog and as of this moment she is with the family of her “crush” for the next ten days to practice her Italian, so forgive me for being a little hostile. Though, it's probably for the best because I've been mean to her a lot this week.
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