Warning: What you read may disturb you deeply and shake your very being to the core.

The North American Mullet, thought to have been eradicated in the early part of the 21st century, may soon be reappearing at a shopping mall near you. If indications and research are correct, the European strain of Mullet has withstood eradication and is, in fact, repopulating at immeasurable speeds. The European Mullet, more specifically the Italian Mullet has found itself a stronghold amongst both Italian youth and even adults seem to be unable to resist. There are signs that it may also be mutating. Vicious strains of mutations such as the ‘Rat Tail’ are also growing at alarming rates. We will begin documenting this phenomenon in hopes to curtail this epidemic from reentering the United States. Much like the Asian Bird Flu, if it reaches American shores, there’s no telling what kind of damage it could inflict. It’s too late for us but there is still hope for all of you. If it does come to pass, please, heed our advice, stock your bomb shelters with plenty of hair clippers, scissors, water and canned fruit and vegetables and remain underground until the bells of victory ring throughout the land.

If you have any questions, contact the Center for Disease Control (www.cdc.com) or consult your nearest barber or hair stylist.